my first rambling

ok. there is so much swirling through my brain lately, that i'm considering writing some of it down on this blog. part of me still thinks journaling on the world wide web is strange. plus who really wants to read one more person's thoughts about life. so my reasons for attempting this new adventure are: 1. i am a verbal processor. and i type faster than i can write in a journal. i like journals. i could collect them because i think they are so pretty. but i have never been a real "journaler" 2. there are often times that i want to share my thoughts with you, my friends, but i cant put words together because i'm thinking about so much that my brain turns to mush, therefore i say nothing. and 3. i guess i would like to hear your comments. i welcome all comments. you think i'm crazy, or you have actually been pondering the same things, etc. and if you dont care to hear my ramblings, feel free to take me off of your feeder-reader.

now i warn you, i'm not eloquent. some of your blogs i read them and dont really know what you are saying, but you write so artistically that afterward i'm left amazed. this blog wont be like that, sorry.

and i'm not sure if after today i will continue to think out loud on the internet, we'll see.

oh, and of course we will continue to post pictures of our favorite babies.

the baby news for today...elliana took 7 steps across the living room floor while holding a book! and toby and i played catch at the park and he caught the ball 5 times in a row!

who am I? who is God? as naive as this sounds, i am just now really learning that people are different. we know Him, express Him and worship Him in different ways. this is the kicker...and there isn't one way that is "right" and another that is "wrong"! i have found that my brain has a right and wrong filter for everything. sure, sometimes its necessary. but for now, i need to learn to "be." not perform or accomplish.

i have a hard time focusing in corporate church gatherings lately. it's hard for me to connect. yet, when i am enjoying life, i feel the most spiritually connected. for example, i was standing in front of toby and elliana, both on swings at the park today. the sky was gray and it was humid and sort of misty. both kids were smiling and really having fun swinging. at this moment, my eyes teared up and I thought about/"felt" God. i wasn't doing anything right or wrong. i wasn't being "spiritual", yet I sensed Peace.

now i still do want to find God in the church. i'm still seeking, but slowly and differently. our church just started a series on the disciplines of christianity. part of me wants to run. what really is necessary, or good? can it be different for everyone? plus, shouldn't we all know a lot more about 1st century jewish culture before we try and interpret the bible? i am not looking for excuses to live a crazy selfish life. i want to pick up the bible to learn about Jesus because I know Him and love Him. not because i should. so is the saying, "discipline, desire, delight" the secret? i hope not, or at least i hope there is more to it.

i have learned that there is so much that i dont know. and i'm ok with that. i dont want to have it all figured out. i have experienced the presence of God in different ways throughout the years and i know that my heart will not be satisfied without Him. so my journey is to find Him. i actually dont want another "experience" right now. i want a steady, solid, inner-knowing that I am His. He is mine. and that i am "okay" just because He made me.

I look at my own kids and are overwhelmed with love for them. elliana will always be my daughter. so therefore, I will always love her. toby will always be my son, therefore, i will always love him. pray that this lesson will be transfered into my heart so i will know this for myself.

i have several thoughts and questions about prayer, but i will save that for another day.