softened

well, i didn't think i would be writing this only a few days later...but i feel better. i have had swirling thoughts and confusion for months now. i was surprised to receive a handful of comments from friends telling me that they were encouraged from hearing my questions. in turn, that encouraged me. i have tried to make some practical changes in my everyday life to keep me from thinking so much. i now go somewhere and really play with the kids every morning. then i rest and get a few things done around the house during their afternoon nap. this has helped me to stop worrying and focus on them. i think toby's love language is time and touch. so i've tried to pick him up, cuddle with him, tickle him and chase him more. he seems to respond with less fussing and boredom. his new phrase is, "i missed you" he tells us this when he wakes up and whenever he sees david during the day. its sweet. and elliana is turning into a toddler. she doesn't just sit and watch anymore. she likes to climb and swing and slide.

tuesday night, one of my dear friends, stephanie lee had a surprise 30th birthday party. david was teaching a class on soil management here at the farm so two waco girlfriends drove with me to college station. they ate dinner with one of their sisters in town while i went to the party. steph lee was really surprised to see me so she cried and hugged me when i came in, and that made me feel so special and loved. :) after we mingled and ate cake, brian announced that we were going to worship together and pray for and bless steph. well for the first time in a long while, i didn't cringe and want to run away during a corporate worship time. i was able to focus and sing and put two thoughts together about God. i was filled with love and respect for steph lee and in turn for Jesus. being around so many people that love God and seeing friends love each other in a such a faithful and pure way was touching. after reflecting on my friendship with steph, something i told her was that she inspires me. now when i look back at tuesday night, the best way to describe what changed in my heart, is i feel inspired now. my heart was softened. i'm inspired to keep going. i'm inspired to pray for my kids. i'm inspired to trust Him with my life.

woah! a few days ago i couldn't have said all of this. i guess God was at that party and in my friends. i really like that i was able to experience that, but that it wasn't a big "experience." it was one more step. a big step, i think. life has so many ups and downs so if i can know that God is my steady, safe place, i think i can handle it. i'm so glad to have relationships with other people. i need people to touch, listen, hug and talk to, in order to understand God more.

a friend of mine emailed me this.

"i find that i often ask myself, how can i "know" God, experience Him, trust Him, love Him? what does it really mean? how can we live from that deep inner knowing that you were mentioning? i have felt so challenged in this area steph...to really believe that i belong to God, that He is at work in every thing and situation around me, that I am part of something much larger than I can even conceive, that I am loved and accepted, as I am, that I do not disappoint God by what I do or don't do.... that i belong... that God is a sovereign God of grace and everything that happens is filtered through His fingers of love, even if I cannot understand "why" or "how." how can i really see God everywhere? is everything "sacred"....from working in the garden, to hugging your children, to singing songs of praise, to being stunned by the beauty of a sunset, to reading the Bible? the more i think about it, the more i think that that is how it is....there aren't categories that define how we experience God...He is everywhere! i find that not only when I am enjoying life, but when I am experiencing the deepest pains and hurts...there I find God as well... we advance in our love and understanding if you will through the heights and the depths of life..."

wow. very well said. to really learn that God is there amidst our deepest pains and hurts...

thanks for reading. i love you all.

on a different note: we are going to eat Amina tonight. she was our cow for a whole year. now her meat is in our fridge. kind of wierd and sad. it is peaceful though, to know that she was taken care of. she was able to roam around and enjoy the company of another cow and several goats. she ate grass and not corn or grain. she wasn't smooshed into a smelly, disease-ridden feed lot and given hormones or antibiotics to keep her from getting sick. so i'd say that her life was well lived. she fulfilled her purpose and was treated with respect and love.
come on over for a burger and a beer!